love me

Sooo I went to my doctor today for a followup, and I've actually LOST weight since I was released from the hospital. She said I am just 1 pound away from my admission weight. How does this happen?!?! I've been eating sooo much and doing so well, or at least I thought i was. I have mixed feelings because my eating disorder likes that I have lost weight, but my normal self knows that I need to try harder and keep my heartrate up. That was low again too.
I guess this is a good thing. Now I know that I can eat the full meal plan and not gain a ton of weight. I feel less compelled to restrict and less paranoid. Now I know that I need to try a lot harder than I have been. I need to try to eat everything that I'm supposed to, even if I already feel a little full. Now I realize that this is much more that just food. I'm battling myself, but I know I can win =]

i feel really good. i think i might be released tomorrow! i have mixed feelings, kind of sad because i know i weigh like 110, but happy because i'm on the road to recovery, and because i finally have the full support of my family. i'm going to tell my friends too, not like they didn't know before, but i've never talked about it with them.

it's crazy, but i think i'm actually going to really miss the nurses around here :( they've really made this experiance a positive one and i don't think i would have lasted without them.

Kyle was going to visit me yesterday and I was so excited! I was telling all my room nurses about it (some of them are actually pretty cool) and they were all like "Omgosh thats so cute! blah blah blah".It was so sweet, he was waiting for one of his parents to get home so he could take one of their cars, got directions to my hospital, downloaded scrubs and the office on his iPod and brought his iHome so I could watch it, and brought me Skittles and a slushie. He drove allll the way out here and then got lost in the hospital because it's so freaking huge, but he managed to find my room. Right when he got to my room, a nurse that wasn't supposed to be in my room and wasn't assigned to me goes, "Oh no. No no no. You gotta go. No visitors for more than 2 hours and family members ONLY."I was like ummm are you kidding??? None of the other nurses I talked to said anything about that "rule". And she goes, "Yeah. And how much TV have you been watching? You're only supposed to watch 2 hours a day. They'll get you for that."

...oohhh. what are they going to do? really??

I just told her that i wasn't aware of all these rules and to please let me see my friend (NOT boyfriend.) And then she proceeded to tell me about some sheet that I was supposed to have gotten when I was admitted which says basically that my stay here will be strictly monitored and shitty and boring...I never got that sheet. Honest to God. So I just told her that Kyle drove all the way out here and the least she could do is let me talk to him for a little bit. She looked at me impatiently and said, "30 seconds." AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE ROOM FOR THOSE MERE 30 SECONDS. OH YEAH and she also took the slushie out of Kyles hands and said, "She can't have this." and threw it away right in front of him. She didn't get the skittles tho, thank God hehe. I was so upset tho I almost cried after he left.

If those really are the rules, then those are the shittiest rules ever. 2 hours of visiting and 2 hours of TV a day. Thats only 4 hours. I'm hooked up to the fucking monitor and in bed 24/7...ALL DAY. What the fuck am I supposed to do?????

I guess my doctors heard about what happened and they apologized to me this morning. They said that the rules are flexible, but it has to be recorded which rules apply to whom. They said that Kyle could in fact visit. WOW. Like I'm really going to tell him that now?? And make him drive all the way out here again?? Thanks. A lot.

bitch rant OVER

I didn't sleep at all last night. I've had this room all to myself and now I'm all fussy because I have to share haha. A little girl came in around like 12 (RIGHT when i was dozing off) and her family is so freaking loud. The girl was crying and making a fuss and being a brat the entire night. I couldn't get to sleep at all...I seriously wanted to rip out my monitor and kick all three of them HARD in the shins. They had the TV on and were talking so loudly on their cell phones and whining and pressing the nurse call button every two freaking seconds. I was getting so restless and my heart monitor went off. The mom was like "Can't you be quiet?!?" I went off on that bitch. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. I wasn't rude, but I deffinately told her off. SORRY I have a horrible heart condition. There's nothing I can do about it. SORRY that I've been here since tuesday and SORRY that I'm in a terrible mood because you woke me up with your loud ass mouth. GOD. Then I turned on my reading light so I could vent in my journal and the girl's mom goes, "UUUGHHH now she has her light on?!!" I muttered, "Yeah well not like I can go to sleep or anything..." God I was in a terrible mood. Well, its morning now, and these people are even louder than they were before. Maybe that WAS their "quiet" voice when they came in at 1. Shit shit. The mom is talking about taking a long ass shower in the bathroom. I hate sharing a bathroom its so gross. I hate loud roommates. AND I hate that I have to be here for even longer than I expected...which i was just informed of by my doctor this morning. Whoopee. I wonder how I'm ever going to get all my schoolwork done. My math teacher told our class last tuesday (the day I left) that if we miss one day of her class it's going to be really difficult to catch up. Cooool. Cool cool. Real cool.

i haven't really been able to write here in a while. last tuesday (january 30) i left school early to go see my doctor to get and EKG and whatnot. lately, i had been feeling very tired and barely have been able to stay awake in school even though i have been sleeping for 10 hours each night. the night before i left for my doctors, i lay in bed wondering if i had a heart anymore. i couldn't feel anything beating.
so i went to my doctors, and after getting the EKG, she got really nervous and left the room. she came back with my dad, and told me that i had to be hospitalized, that my heartrate was in the 20s, and that if i had done so much as run to one of my classes that day, i would have passed out. she also told me that i have reached a new low in my weight: 100 lbs...which was my goal. naturally, i was really upset. i cried and told my dad i was sorry and i felt seriously like total shit. but here i am, getting better. i want to get better.

a lot has happened since then, it's kind of pointless to write about everything. i have to eat a lot of food, but i'm okay with it. i just want my life back. i just want to get better and go home. they said that i would probably be here for 2 weeks. after i'm released, i am to be under intense supervision, just like i am at the hospital. i can't do anything by myself: eat, go to the restroom, wash my face. i'm not supposed to get up or anything because i might screw up my heartrate :( i really want to shower and change out of this hideous hospital gown!

my doctor came in and talked with my parents and me. my parents are upset about my condition, but we're both in a way happy that this happened. moreso them than me. i think they finally realize that this is a family issue, and not just my issue. i think we're going to stop arguing all the time and start talking it out and supporting eachother. i think im going to be happy again!! once i get out of here, my parents and i are going to counseling so that we can address and be open about my mom's cancer and my eating disorder. i think we're going to be a family again, that makes me happy :)

my doctor recommended that my target weight be 113, which i am perfectly fine with. i promised her that i would never be here (in the hospital) again. when i'm healthy, i can run and exercise and eat right. i know that i will deffinately diet and exercise a lot, but i'm going to make sure that i still eat enough and get all the right nutrients. i still want to be thin, but healthy thin. i want to make a change for the better.

i guess i just wanted to say, that i really love all of you whether you're reading this or not. we all have struggles, we all can get better. i wish everyone the best of luck, and i hope that everyone can at least be careful enough so they don't wind up like me, in here. i will be posting here again, so this is not a goodbye, but more of a public acceptance of myself.

love you guys!!

i was doing so well with not b/ping. i didn't do it at all for 3 weeks straight and i just restricted as usual. i felt so clean and healthy (well...not healthy but ya know...) and this week i've done it every day. and i can't even get most of it up! i'm talking like HUGE binges. i feel like im going crazy over food, like this giant monster takes hold of me and i just. can't. stop. it makes me so depressed and i feel DISGUSTING.

last night was pretty fun: i wen't to kyles house and talked things over with him and i'm actually feeling a whole lot better about whats going on between us. i think i'm just going to suck it up and give being "together" with someone a chance. but anyways we were cuddling and being all cute and he was like "god you're so boney, you need some meat on you girl!" and i was all like "um yeah right.". seriously, i feel like a fat cow, i have gone on like million calorie binges of mostly bread and foods that are difficult to get up, and when i tried to purge....barely anything comes up. i didn't say that of course.

but anyways then we went to some rich boardingschool kid's kegger which was amazing because i haven't gone out in forever! everybody was there and it was the first time i actually felt really, truly happy in a while (and i wasn't drunk yet so i dont depend on alcohol for happiness...no AA for me!) the guy whos house it was at was being all flirty and i wanted to play along so bad because he was seriously sexy =] too bad i decided to be a girlfriend just hours before...what an idiot i am. i did a keg stand even tho i HATE beer. and naturally this made me feel more bloated and disgusting. after that i just got ridiculously drunk and danced around to techno and, eventually, ripped off all my clothes and jumped in the pool haha! but then everyone else did it so i didn't look like a stupid girl who just wanted to get attention/strip (and i know MANY girls like this...twats.)

so that's the GOOD part. the bad part is my ex was back from school and he kept calling me. he eventually came to the party and was just being all "i miss you" and "you look so good" and just pissing me off in general. does he seriously think i'm going to get back together with him?! he's such a fucking stoner/loser/fucks redhead fat chicks (and this is NO LIE.)
so i just made him jealous by being all flirty with kyle in front of him...oh me oh my im a bitch but he deserved it! then when i got home he called me and we just got in the BIGGEST fight ever.

and then i binged. and binged and binged and binged...
AND I COULDN'T FUCKING PURGE ANYTHING. partially because i was still a little fucked up and that for some reason, unless i feel sick, makes it harder, and partially because my throat hurt so fucking much from being sick all last week.

so now im all depressed. i'm up so early to go to my psychiatrist and my nutritionist (where i will be weighed) and i feel sick and bloated and disgusting. today im going to restrict hardcore, but just to clense, then i'll go back to "normal restricting". maybe i'll do it for a couple of days, i'll see how i'm feeling. and im not drinking a whole lot tonight because 1. alcohol has mucho calories and 2. if i drink alot on an empty stomach im going to have the worst hangover and possibly die if i ride tomorrow.

so B= black coffee
L= sprite zero or fresca (or something else i haven't made up my mind yet they're all SO GOOD!)
D= an apple
and i'll just bring an apple in my purse if i decide to get fat tonight when im shitfaced.

i love apples

and you guys for being here for me =] sorry about the novel, again...i've just realized how addicting writing in here can be!!

♥ the cow

alright so i've completely neglected posting here
but here's an update (cough, RANT) on what's wrong with my life:

1. i'm so sick of recovery. i don't trust ANYONE anymore. i feel like its my doctors and my parents just conspiring against me. they never tell me anything thats going on or if they changed the "plan" so it makes me MORE skeptical about everything. supposedly my parents met with my psychiatrist BEHIND MY BACK and now THEY are supposed to make my meals, serve it to me, and keep track of my food journal. how am i supposed to gain control over my eating disorder when i have no control whatsoever?! i HATE being monitored and being told what to do, and i hate that they did all of this behind my back! so i have stopped eating alltogether, basically. not to spite them, but just because its the only control i have over this situation. wow i'm REALLY GETTING BETTER. fuck them. the only good thing about this is i haven't binged/purged in forever. woo....!

2. i still don't know what to do about kyle. he obviously likes me a whooolllee lot more than i like him, and quite frankly, i'm surprised the boy hasn't given up by now! i mean this has been going on since september...honestly. but i guess i only have myself to blame, seeing as how I'M the one to agreed to be "together" instead of having him chase me and then have me blow him off to hook up with someone else and then once that is over have him chase me again...its a cycle. its tiring. i'm pretty sure he's aware of how i'm feeling...everyone else seems to. what i don't understand is why so many other girls are jealous. like um, okay if you're really upset and are that much in love with him then GO AHEAD, TAKE HIM because i'm not.

...then again, if i were to end this (whatever it is) i think it's going to be something that i will regrett and i'll be depressed that i don't have an obsessed boy chasing me around.
ah me, im such a motherfucking tease sometimes, it's terrible. i just don't think i can be a good girlfriend right now after what happened last year (if peter wanted to fuck a fat readhead over me then he should have said so, so i wouldn't have to wait a painful month to figure it out and dump him)

3. not eating is taking a seriously toll on my schoolwork. my grades dropped SO BAD last semester its not even remotely funny. but, it is a new semester, which makes me feel better because i'm ready to start fresh and "turn over a new leaf" as the saying goes. i went to staples and bought a bunch of new stuff which i found to be oddly clensing and reassuring that i'm not going to be a complete failure in life. whatever.

4. my leg really hurts from when my horse fell on me at the show. i'm not supposed to ride for another week and im going crazy. no wonder im depressed.

5. i have a huge ap lang essay to write

6. mom just goes "the hendersons are picking you up next saturday at 7:30!!" and i'm like, "mom what the FUCK are you talking about???" and she makes this exasperated noise like i'm supposed to KNOW. so it turns out that mother dearest has yet again signed me up to babysit next weekend without my consent...joy. kyles going to be really happy that i can't hang out with him...again.

oh my, i typed a novel.

on a lighter note...
i am getting ridiculously shitfaced this weekend. there are a million parties going on and i'm so excited! i think i might drive up to U of M with some friends, who knows. i feel like a puppy about to pee on the floor i'm so overjoyed! and i'm going shopping right after school on friday because I FUCKING DESERVE IT. FUCK. okay rant over.

if you actually took time to read this, you get a gold star and i will dance barefoot at your wedding
♥

ohmygod im so freaking sick. i just went to the doctors and i have strep throat! eeww. and JUST before exam week! dandy. i have no freaking idea when im going to make up my finals...and on friday im leaving for a horse show in ohio!! i swear to god it never ends. hopefully i feel less shitty by wednesday so i dont miss all of my exams.

ugh. im not even hungry but mom made me eat. in a way i can see her point, that i need to eat because im sick and i dont want to get to the show and DIE from exhaustion/weakness...but really this would have been an ideal day to do some damage control on my sisters bday dinner last night (can you say cake???)

im going to phone some friends and wallow in misery

kisses!

its 8:30am and im SOOO FREAKING SORE!! running the other day was probably not a good idea, and my trainer decided that i should do my entire lesson without stirrups! i was like oh...greeeaatttt. but the good thing is oliver was supergood, and im feeling really confident about going to the chagrin show! the bad news is that i will have to spend the entire weekend with the weipert family, the most overlycompetetive, cry when you dont win, scheming, unfriendly horsepeople i have ever met. i try to be SO NICE to caroline but she never says anything to me that is nice/that isnt competetive. grrr. maybe i should just start being mean to people. maybe theyd like that better.

haha okay well off to ride in this shit-tastic 15 degree weather!!

this is disgusting. i am disgusting. im a total binger. i binged and now i cant throw up. i hate myself. im going to just jump off the roof and end my FAT ASS LIFE.

sick today, stomach flu :/ but its not that bad because i can eat ANYTHING and NOT GAIN WEIGHT! i dont even have to TRY to throw up. thats so gross, but true. brian and clark brought me panera and ice cream :) deeelish i forgot what sundaes were like....

im going to curl up with some chamomille and watch sex and the city

i hope i can ride tomorrow.........

i need to learn how to use my camera. i think im electronically retarded


still havent studied for the test.....

i seriously HATE midterms. i gaurentee that i will be sitting up here, in my room, for the entire weekend staring at my chem book and taking in...zero. no going out, no friends, no nothing! and the only meal im eating during midterm week is breakfast, so i dont freaking die during 2 hours of sitting on my ass and writing. im shooting for 500 cals a day so i dont drop toooo much.

*sigh* as i sit here i realize just exactly what im doing...procrastinating. im actually quite good at it. i procrastinate procrastinating. its really a god given talent! okayyy off to study for a four weight AP Lang test!!


..........not.

today was a miracle and a half! all i ate was *drumrolllll* HALF AN APPLE!! yayayay! thats so much better than yesterday: a nonfat latte, an apple, 3 carrot sticks, and one cracker >:p

on the downside, when i go to my nutritionist on saturday shes going to weigh me and see that ive gone down...thankfully i have a little plan! can anyone say handweights? (im going to put them in my shirt and wear a baggy hoodie) think it will work? hope so....

ehh so i went back to my nutritionist today and she said i weigh the same as last week...but i guess i expected that because i gained over break and then fasted all last week so it would even out right?? whatever. i wonder how many calories is in alcohol, because that is fast becoming a major food group AND if its making me gain a shitload then i need to tooonnneeee it down. just a smidge. tonight is joeys party!!! AHHH so that means getting very drunk and dancing all over and being my cazy self
hokay time to get readyyy

i hate my life. all i ever do is ride and work ride and work during the week. the weekends are the only time i get to go out. im so sick of everyone talking about college and the future. i just feel like ill never be good enough. nobody seems to understand that i have a SOCIAL LIFE and its just as important as riding and school. i feel like ive been told to grow up ever since i was in middle school, and ive never had the chance to be a kid and not feel constantly pressured by my parents in riding and school. my parents dont care if i cry or that im depressed, and the only reason that they took action against my eating disorder is because its an inconveniance to them, not because it hurts me. my therapist says i feel neglected because my parents are emotionally unavailable and that ive been ignored for the mostpart of my childhood...which makes me feel even worse!! arent therapists supposed to make you feel BETTER??? it makes me want to jump out of a window.

i hate myself.

ahh im so excited for the chagrin show in january! riding has been so good lately, oliver has been AMAZING! ive been feeling loads more confident and my position is next to flawless. im feeling tons better than how i felt at nationals and i think this horseshow season will be even better than last years!

i was doing SO WELL today, and i just ate a doughnut. but the good thing is i purged within 12 minutes...that is good right? so why do i still feel fat, weak, and stupid?? ugh whatever. im not eating anything else until tonight.